Fear and Loathing in the Fifth Grade

After six predecessors and as many fearful, "longest walks of their lives" down that mile-long corridor to the library, today our family marks the final step across the threshold to adulthood and eternal uncertainty, as our eleven year old gets his turn at...The 5th Grade Sex Ed Movie.

Yesterday afternoon, our youngest, Charles, returned home from his day of matriculation, lost and bewildered, as though he had just watched a super-slow motion video of a family of chicklings being transformed into road kill by a Mack truck. After repeated inquiries I sat beside him and, putting my arm around his shoulder, said, "Charles, did something happen at school? What's wrong, buddy?" Looking up with tears streaming down both sides of his not-yet adolenscent face, he replied,

"They're showing that movie at school tomorrow, and I don't wanna see it".

I don't recall having the same abiding fear of "the movie", which was actually a filmstrip (complete with the "beep" to turn to the next graphic), when we got it 38 years ago. But things have changed quite a bit in regards to how the public education system helps our young men begin that journey from pre-pubescent lover of all things sports or action-film related to neighborhood studmuffin.

First off, where my sixth grade class got the whole shi-bang as a class in one 60-minute filmstrip, now they seperate the information into two years; 5th grade focusing on body changes and personal hygeine, 6th grade on sexual development and reproductive roles. The film/discussion class are now also seperated by gender and the parents are invited to come along for support and participation.

Looking back, I think both changes in teh presentation are excellent ideas. Not only does it break the information into more age appropriate levels, but the seperation of boys and girls serves two purposes; removing the uncomfortability of inevitible eye contact with the cute little red headed girl during a discussion on insemination and the more relaxed, gender specific audience making it a little more likely that questions will be asked instead of staring at the clock and hoping the torturous experience will end soon.

I also think it a stroke of genius to invite the parents to participate. This also offers two wonderful opportunities; to have some input into how this information is for presented to your child, and also to take what, as yesterday's conversation proved, can be a highly emotional and borderline terrifying event and transform it into a strong, positive bonding experience. The tradition in this household is that "The Movie" is immediately followed by an extended lunch period at the pizza parlor of the child's choice (although I think maybe Lisa and Caroline did Olive Garden, but I don't really remember, having completely erased both her fifth and sixth grade "movie days" from my mind for all time and eternity, having protested, to no avail, that she should have been made to wait until she was at least 30 to be exposed to such corruptably influential information).

Some things, however, have not changed. I recall during the summer in between 5th and 6th grade, some older kids on the block who had already been subjected to and survived "the filmstrip" told us tales of imagineable horror and eventual embarassment beyond description. That time honored tradition continues today. I asked Charles why he was so upset by having to see The Movie, imagining that instructions inside a box of tampons would prove more embarassing to an 11 year old boy than anything he would hear or see tomorrow, and that in fact, all the children had been made keenly aware of the content of tomorrow's class.

"Dad!", he bellowed, "I don't wanna see a movie of people...doing it! That's just sick!".

Explaining to him in excrutiating detail about what tomorrow would be about and how there would be little if any mention of sex or sexual activity and certainly no video of such things, he relaxed and a few minutes later was happy and smiling at the kitchen table attacking his math homework. Go figure.

Last night, I thought about my little guy's fear and loathing at even the ridiculous suggestion that he would be forced to sit with his class and watch two people having sex, and it made me think about when I was in the 5th grade. Our teacher, Mrs. Tout had us make these racing cars out of dish soap bottles, which we could decorate to our liking. The three self-ordained "top dogs", Bill Connelly, Mark Santos, and Shaun Reilly, adorned their racing machines with the number "69", making sure everyone in class knew that was the coolest number and then made a point of asking every boy in the class if they knew what it meant.

As I recalled this oddly memorable moment of my upbringing, I thought about how my youth was vastly different from that of my children. We didn't have MTV or network sex. When I was 11, Mike and Carol Brady were a big deal because they weren't in single beds. Our Madonna was Karen Carpenter, our Brad Pitt was Paul Newman. And where today, unsupervised children can pull up the Internet and find hardcore sex clips in an instant, we had the underwear section of the Sears catalogue.

That grimacing look of disgust on Charles' face as he explained the reason for his angst yesterday, at the moment made we want to laugh. Thinking back on it, however, I smile and am grateful.

Not that he will always find physical intimacy to be disgusting; there will be other "talks", and hopefully, the lessons of love and respect and privacy I have learned will override the "locker talk" he will no doubt overhear. But as I watched him eating his breakfast this morning, the daily commics dutifully splattered with milk and his hair loking as though it had never been introduced to the prickly end of a hair brush, I thought to myself...

He's 11. Maybe a year or so more filled with the fear of "girl cuties" isn't such a bad thing.

And the Oscar Goes To

IT LOOKS LIKE the 'Pubs nominee for Mrs. Wholesome America, Sarah Palin, has some 'splainin' to do. After openly chastizing her former, future son-in-law, Levi Johnston for being "too Hollywood", here was Alaska's "I quit" Gov. with her uber-wholesome...cough...daughter Bristol sliding into Tinsel Town in the middle of Oscar Week. Not a biggie you say; they can go anywhere and if they're in LA when the Oscars are being presented, so what?

Well they did go anywhere; to three pre-Oscar bashes (including loading up on freebies from several gifting suites; according to witnesses, like an impolite, starving child wolfing their way through the all-you-can-eat at Chuck-a-Rama). That was of course, in between the Queen of Crib Notes and Survivor producer Mark Burnett taking several Hollywood meetings, shopping a reality show for the "so not Hollywood" hockey mom, while her not-so poster child of conservative values daughter was taping a guest spot on "The Secret Life of the American Teenager". Yeah, Levi is the one who has become too Hollywood.

You know, the neocon talking heads think the libs are afraid Palin will run for the Oval in 2012. I'm neither a neo, or a con, or a lib for that matter, but at some point each and every day, I do say a prayer that she will throw her newly gifted designer chappeau in the ring. It'll be 18 months of incredible comedy and our current CIC will get another four years to try and finish the job of AGAIN correcting the mistakes of yet another failed Bushie admin...

BETTER THAN OSCAR in the last ten years is the a debate of the Top Ten movies of all time. I love this discussion partly because my list is constantly changing, depending on my mood, and partly because I always hear at least one title I have never heard of or wouldn't have considered, which sends me surrying off (yes, I scurry) to Walkers (the local rental here in IF) to give it a try. AFI of course always puts Citizen Kane atop the list, and for filmmakers I undestand why. But as one of the regular folk who don't give two hoots about the technical aspects of a flick, I might put it in the top 15. For this time around, here, in order, are my Top 10 (and I'd love to hear yours): 10. Pride of the Yankees 9. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance 8. Dead Poets Society 7. Patton 6. Field of Dreams 5. The Sting 4. The Ten Commandemnts 3. Braveheart 2. 12 Angry Men 1. On Golden Pond. And if you're wondering, I just realized that my top two both star Henry Fonda. Complete coincidence I assure you, but hardly surprising. We miss ya Hank...

ANTI-TRUST DEPT: We are a family of big movie watchers and so we go through two of the 24-bag boxes of micro-wave pop corn a week. Looking to trim a buck (and cholesterol point) or two, I suggested we go back to the air popper. Figuring I could snag one for a good price, I headed over to the local Wal-mart and found...nothing. Nada. Zip. The first two W-M associates I asked for help had never even heard of such a thing. Knowing the highest profit margins come from their grocery aisles, I wonder...would they really go so far as to not offer an inexpensive air popper just to hike up the sales of Orville's nuked product? Oh, the things we give up in the name of capitalism. If anyone knows where I can find a good Hamilton Beach...

DEATH OF A SALESMAN: Hazzahs to James Cameron for his groundbreaking work with Avatar, however, seeing that the next two summer blockbusters (including the next Harry Potter installment) will be released in 3D to capitalize on the phenomenon, I fear this is the beginning of the end of the movie going experience as we have come to know it. At the Edwards theater here in IF, the non-3D version of Avatar is going for $7.50 a pop, with the 3D ducats hiked up to $11.50. Now add to that $13 for popcorn, soda and the obligatory box of Red Vines and you're talking $25 per person. $50 bucks for a movie date and that's not counting dinner beforehand. Remember the days when a guy could take his gal to dinner, a movie and hit Inspiration Point for less than 20 smackers. Well ok, 21, considering the smack she gave you at the Point...

WHO SAYS GOOD parenting is going out of style? Overheard at a local movie house last week. Boy: Well, can't I even put my arm around you? Girl: No, my parents are sitting in the back row. Boy: No they aren't. Girl: Yes, they are! You think they'd let me go on a date with you by myself? I'm only 16! Sure enough, at the end of the movie, the boy and girl head up for the doors and meet up with the girl's parents and leave the theater together. I sure hope my daughter Caroline, who turns 16 in June wants to go see the Matt Damon movie this summer...

A SURVEY FROM Good Housekeeping states that 87% of all diets or weight reduction programs begin on January 1st. So is it just bad marketing or utter cruelty towards the masses that causes the Girl Scouts to hold their annual cookie onslaught less than 2 months later? Can't you imagine how many more boxes of tagalongs they;'d sell if they did this in October? Personally, I smell a conspiracy with the people at Jenny Craig and think Congress should investigate. Nah, they have enough on their hands already. I'll just wait for the movie...

Signs of the Times

WORRIED A LOT less about the state of our youth coming of age these days. Sure, today's kids face a much larger list of distractions and temptations than we did back in the days of drive-ins and a dime bag, and what we read about on the front page above the fold makes me cringe sometimes, and I'm still cool and hip and all that (can't you tell from my use of the words cool and hip?). But an old friend from high school now residing in Davis, CA tells me that last Saturday morning, a group of her son's friends showed up at the house to start his 16th birthday celebration right (and early), by taking him out to breakfast. That is so beyond cool...it's...BOSS! I'm going to go out on a limb here and chalk it up to good parenting. So kudos, not only to the kids who did the deed, but to the parents there in Bicycleland who showed them the way...

I HAVE A very good friend from my days in Stockton. Known him almost 40 years, love him to death. We even roomed together for a year or so durning the Ronnie Ray-gun era. For the last few months we've been going back and forth, debating this or that political issue on FaceBook; all of it well intentioned, most of it good natured. Yesterday, I learned the neice of a colleague from my BGP days was kidnapped down near San Diego and had been found dead. I posted a notice of condolence and later in the day, my childhood friend responded: "To bad that girl wasn't packing, then maybe she could have met the threat on equal terms." Here's a thought: maybe if there were real, tough, enforced gun laws, this 17 year old girl wouldn't have had to meet the threat at all. I wish the girly-men hiding behind the long-unnecessary 2nd Amendment because they are afraid someone is going to take their pop guns away were as tough as this young woman was forced to be. Rest in Peace, Chelsea...

THEN AND NOW: In 1977, at the Oakland Coliseum Stadium; The Eagles, Steve Miller Band, Heart, The Atlanta Ryhtym Section and Foreigner. Ticket Price: $12.50. July 12, 2010 at the Lodge in Sun Valley; James Taylor and Carole King. Ticket Price: $50. Of course, if you want to get in an hour early to grab the really good seats to this General Admission show, it's only $250. Oh, you wanna shake their hand before the show and go backstage afterwards for a glass of champers? $500 smackeroos...EACH.

I have been in love with Carole's music for 40 years and JT's almost as long, and to see them together accompanied by all the old gang from the Troubadour days; guitarist Danny "Kootch" Kortchmar, drummer Russ Kunkel and bassist Lee Sklar, famous in their own right as "The Section", is something not even I would have dreamed would happen one day. Now I've worked with and love them both, and $50 for a general admin. show isn't all that bad.But an extra $200 to get in an hour early? And another $250 for a quick handshake and a glass of domestic? Yeah, I know...this is a benefit for one of Carole's Rocky Mountain causes, but Geez Louise! Dylan was right: the times, they are a changin'. What's that?...Oh yeah, of course I'm goin'. Whatya, NUTS?...

THERE IS A call center here in IF, Center Parnters. For the last few weeks, I've been hearing radio ads stating "We're expanding and we've got a position just waiting for you!". I'm thinking hey, maybe the recession has turned the corner? Cool beans. Yesterday, I run into a friend of mine, Patti, a trainer at CP. I ask her what's going on, wondering if maybe they reeled in some new accounts and bought the building next to them (for all the "expanding" going on). Seems it's not so much they are expanding as it is they can't keep anyone employed. Word is, and not from Patti, middle management is squeezing the front liners so hard, they'd rather be unemployed than work for "The Dragon Lady". I've heard of promised bonus structures changing without notice, quotas raised and hours to meet them cut, etc., etc. I'm guessing that word of mouth in our little hamlet won't be filling those phone desks anytime soon. I've heard similar management/employee squabbles from current and former employees at Qwest and Wal-mart. Bus101: "Good attitude creates good job performance". Management training ain't what it used to be...

ONE OF THE several pies I have my fingers into these days is a non-profit I started last year to help raise funds for the teachers, students, schools, and academic clubs here in IF. It's had a slow but steady first year; we've given a couple of scholarships, helped some schools add some much needed equipment to their classrooms, etc. I read in the local fishwrap a few weeks ago about one of our high school's choral groups losing the funding for their accompanyist. I called the instructor and then went out and managed to get some very nice raffle prizes donated from local businesses, figuring they could probably earn about a half to three-quarters of what they'll need for next year in about a week. Several days later, I receive an e-mail telling me that her kids had gone out and got together some prizes for a Silent Auction held at a recent performance, and that comparatively speaking, she was rather disappointed in the prizes we were offering, and therefore she was going to have to pass "this time around". When did we start criticizing the manner in which someone does us a favor? Even better was the instructor's "this time around" conclusion. I adore teachers and their profession, so maybe it's just that this particular teacher is involved in the arts. You know how those performance types can be. Oh, that sound you hear? That is a fog horn, noting that for this particular instructor, the ship has sailed and there will be no return to port. And yes, after finding other student groups in need who appreciated the opportunity, there was more than enough money raised to have paid for her accompanyist. Here's hoping, sincerely, that acapella is in vogue next year...

I FEEL SO much better now, knowing that our vaunted legislature in Boise has our backs; more importantly, the backs of our teachers and students. When asked about yesterday's 128 million dollar cuts in the 2011 State Education Budget, 4% of which will come from teacher's salaries, State Senator Jim Hamond (R-Couer d'Alene) responded: What's likely is that we will not damage our schools, because those teachers in the classroom are there, and they want to be paid well, but they're not they're for the pay. They're there because the love the kids and they love improving their opportunities by providing the best education they can." And this guy was elected? Here are my questions to Senator Hammond: Does that mean that if they don't come back to work becuase of what you've decided on their pay, that they don't care about the kids? Since you did not cut the pay of the legislators, who like to present as fact that you are in this position not for the money but so that you may serve yor constituents, does that mean that because you made these cuts to teachers salaries and not your own that you are there for the pay and that you don't love the kids or want to provide the best education you can?"...

AND FINALLY, I'm driving down Broadway yesterday afternoon, where I see the requisite homeless/down on his luck/unemployed man, with his requisite pup, at the turn-into Wal-mart; a sturdy leather leash in one hand, a Starbucks Grande Sumpthin' in the other. I roll down the window and ask him how someone in such dire straits could afford a $3 cup o'Joe and our down and out man about town replies, "Well, I dint get no foam". Times are tough all around.