Fool's Gold

EARLY REPORTS...are the city of Walnut Creek survived Tuesday's invasion of a "Spring Break Reunion" made up of women from the Amador Valley High School Class of 1978. With expats coming from as far as Davis, California, Thornton, Colorado, and Las Vegas Nevada, some city officials had predicted chaos and catastrophe similar to the infamous Castlewood Ice Blocking Incident of ''99. In two puzzling and perhaps related matters: a rash of thefts of John Mayer t-shirts and other memorabilia related to the pop & blues tabloid star were reported by retailers all along the 680 corridor and 27 pairs of "Dittos" hip-hugger-style jeans were reported missing from the Hidden Treasures Consignment Shoppe on Layden Avenue in Danville. The store's owner, Kitty Featherhead, told investigators that a dozen or so women came in together around 6:15 P.M. and tried on clothes for approximately 30 minutes. When the women left, only hangers for the missing articles remained in the dressing rooms, along with a used tube of rootbeer flavored lip gloss, a fish comb, a receipt for two orders of fries and a Diet Coke from the Pleasanton Jack-In-The-Box on Valley Avenue and a wallet-sized photo of former Amador Valley High typing teacher and freshmen baseball coach Steve Mortara. Police say an investigation is underway...

ONLY IN CALIFORNIA DEPT: The former Malibu beach house of pop-star-turned-mental-deficient Britney Spears was purchased by the SHHHH investment group for 11.3 million dollars. A closing date for the transaction was not announced by representatives of the Los Angeles law firm of Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe, who is handling the transaction for SHHHH, but stated that the palacial 3.5 acre estate includes a 16 bedroom, 11 bath mansion in addition to a 2-bedroom guest house, pool, sauna, and tennis courts, will be converted into a halfway house for sex addicts, and the primary investors, former President Bill Clinton, PGA golf proefssional Tiger Woods and reality tv star Jesse James hope to have the deal closed and all work completed on the property no later than August 1...In other news, the State Department announced today that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will begin a six week trip to the Middle East on July 30; Nike announced today that a massive "Respect" campaign featuring Woods, to be filmed in a secret location known only to Woods, the camera man and Woods' personal pilot, will start filming on July 31, and finally, Universal Studios today announced that Oscar winning actress Sandra Bullock will begin filming her next project, "Miss Congeniality III: What Are You Nuts?" in New York City between July 28 and September 10. Studio reps who requested anonymity as they were not authorized to speak about the actor's personal life said that Bullock's formerly estranged but recently reunited husband, Jesse James would not be with Bullock during the shoot, as the reality star had "important business matters" in California to attend to...

MOSES IS SPINNING: Wayne LaPierre, head of the National Rifle Association was arrested in Wheeling, West Virginia today of several counts of child molestation, conspiring to manufacture and distribute methamphetamine, and interstate trafficking of minors for prostitution. Asked by reporters as he was being escorted into the Wheeling County Courthouse for arraignment, LaPierre stated emphatically, "Ha! Ha! But they didn't get my guns!" LaPierre is being held for evaluation without bond in a pyschiatric ward...

THIS JUST IN: Idaho Falls School District 91 announced today that due to drastic state education budget cuts, ALL educational field trips, art, music, drama, and vocational training classes, and Advanced Placement courses have been discontinued and all Special Needs Educators, classroom aides, tutors, and school counselors have been dismisssed, effective immediately. In addition, the District has returned or cancelled any and all orders for new and supplementary text books, computer equipment, and classroom supplies. In two related stories, District Plant Facilities Manager, Chester Rooms, told members of the Education Is A Privelage, Not A Right Organization at a luncheon on Friday, that plans to install padded seating on both sides of Ravsten Stadium should be completed in time for October's Emotion Bowl game between Skyline and I.F. high schools and the new weight/sauna/athroscopic therapy room additions to the Grizzly Football Training Center should be ready for Fall practice, provided the installation team from Microsoft can have the new HD screens and digital breakdown software loaded and in place in the newly constructed Gridiron Support Complex and Training Facility by then...

THE SUPPORT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING: Former Alaskan Governor and Repugnant vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin was today unanimously selected as a representative of the Far West Region of Sigma Tau Delta, a philanthropic and social society, of which she has been an active member for more than 30 years. When informed of the honor, which will be bestowed upon her at a week-long celebration in Las Vegas in July, Palin stated "I have been a fan and ardent supporter of STD since I was first introduced to them in high school, and I will do whatever is necessary to share the STD gift with everyone I come in contact with. My mother was an "STD-girl" and I have no doubt that my girls will follow in my footsteps...

AND FINALLY...The San Francisco Giants today reported a monumental trade bringing Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter, third baseman Alex Rodriguez and former CY Young award winner CC Sabithia to the west coast team in exchange for $200,00 in cash and two fourth-round choices in both the 2014 and 2015 MLB draft. Humm baby!